It happens only ‘In Chennai’

Who says only Govinda can shake a leg singing “It happens only in India”? As a “Madrasi” ( a rather proud one, at that too ), I think we deserve a song of our own!

But honestly, no matter where I go, I feel this incredible seven-day itch, at the end of one week, you begin carving for good old Chennai. For most of my Non-Resident Chennai friends( otherwise known as the ‘dense ones’), they just cannot fathom, what I could possibly miss about “Stinky roads” ( so, no city is perfect), Spitting people( yes, and if you don’t shut up, I Will turn into one of them) and idli-sambar( it is healthy and delicious!)

Chennai has it’s quirks, I am not denying that, but probably that’s what I love most about the city. It has character and personality. She can be the young, vibrant hip “Chennai’ (pronounced Sha-naaaaI) at one moment and be the classic, demur Madras the very next, slipping in and out of each role, with more ease than Kushboo (our very own non-Tamil daughter of Tamil Nadu J ).

However, what makes Chennai so special, is that fact that she can be both Trendy and traditional at the same time , in a way so uniquely Chennai, that it might seem very bizarre to well the less privileged .. non Chennai ones.

TOP 10 TYPICAL CHENNAI CHARACTERISITCS.

1) CURD RICE CULT
Whether you go to a Chinese, Italian, Continental restaurant. There is one dish always common on the menu. CURD RICE. Curd Rice, has a cult status in Chennai, it is more than a dish. It works as an appetizer, a main course and also as a dessert. Hungry after school ? Curd rice, Stomach queasy after a Mexican meal ? Curd rice. Need to pack a quick Tiffin box for your kid? CURD RICE


2) THE MULTI-TASKING NIGHT-DRESS
Walk into any public swimming pool in Chennai and you will see the nightdress masquerading as swimwear. This trend persists, despite most swimming pools hanging hug boards which proclaim “ salwars and night clothes – STRICTLY NOT ALLOWED”. The Nighty also multi-tasks as ‘vegetable-haggling wear’, ‘ short –walk around the corner – wear’ and of course, team it with a towel and it becomes the best ‘bath- robe’ you can ever ask for.


3) THE PETERS AND THE PANDIS

In Madras you can be one out of two categories: The “Peter” ( anyone who incessantly talks in English, and throws a new multi-syllabic words) and then you have the Pandis ( the ones who speak cockney Tamil ).However , in order to be considered cool , you need to strike “ A fine Balance” ( Robin Minstry , are you hearing this one ?) between the Peter and the Paandi. You should speak grammatically correct english, but add your own Paandi seasonings .
For example
Peter : What are you doing ?
Pandi: Yenna da pannarai ?
Perfect: What are you pannifying da?


4) AUTO VS SHARE AUTO

If you see, nineteen people squeezed into one groaning, small yellow box. You have just witnessed Chennai’s very own Share Auto. Where else can you go from Adyar to Annanagar ( one end of the town to another) for just Rs.7? Share Auto’s are a phenomenon of their own, the stop where the please, take in as many people as they please and then make sure that they don’t miss a single bump on the road. It’s kind of like the Roller –Coaster ride in MGM, only for one-fourth the price.

The autos however, are another story; words like meter and normal charge don’t exist. All autos here work on flat rates, take it or leave it. Of course, try bargaining with one driver and you get to hear the entire sob story , starting from inflation, to school fees, to petrol prices. The most remarkable feature is of course that every single auto-driver will have the same story to tell! Try scorning one auto driver , about his high charges, and well, he might just ask you to go take a ‘share-auto’ ( akin to calling you a cheapskate)


5) THE CHENNAI SMELL

How does Chennai smell? Like a mixture of Fresh coffee, jasmine flowers and pound of excreta ( ugh)
Just when you inhale the lovely smell of fresh aromatic “ madras Filter Coffee”, from the shop down you lane, your other nostril is probably inhaling something just as well… .. ummm.. Whether it is the NON-TOILET TRAINED CHENNAI MALE or the ‘infamous’ Cooum, be sure to be greeted with a variety of smells. Other common smells include, the Garbage truck ( which will trail you for the entire 15 kms u travel), Cow Dung ( you never know will find it ) and jasmine flowers.

- TO BE CONTINUED -

Whats with the Brahmin fixation?

Well, when I write a blog like this, the first person I am probably asking that question to, is MYSELF! I studied in a Girls Convent, then a secular college and YET I name my blog, SAMATHU IYENGAR PONNU !!

I then throw open this question, to the millions of us, spread across the globe, yeah, the ones like you and me … who turn our noses up at ‘those people’, who refuse to eat outside their own home, fearing it has been cooked by a non-Brahmin (pardon the usage), those who still live in their little colonies, still make their daughters and wives sit out three days in a month, and still wrap nine yards of silk around themselves in the sweltering summer heat in Chennai.

An then there are the people, like us … the ones who conveniently eat non-veg, wear jeans and kurthis ( its comfortable you see), talk with a fake yank accent ( strictly for a few of those ‘Amerika retuns’), we call ourselves beyond all this ‘religion-caste ****’ BUT when it comes to matters of the uummm-ahenm clan ‘ , yeah yeah we are as discriminating as ever “ can you believe so and so’s daughter married a non-brahmin? Tsk tsk or Oh! You boss is name is Srikanth or Srinivasan or well .. Is he Brahmin? Oh well, he must be I guess! Honestly, ( for the person who specifically asked me this question) HOW DOES IT EVEN MATTER ???


And yet again, I would be lying if I deny shifting to ’Brahmin mode’ (using words like ‘aathu’ meaning home, ‘sathumadhu’ instead of rasam and ‘jalam’( water) instead of ‘thani’ which is considered the language of .. errr well…… ‘ I am ashamed to admit it, well I do have that ‘fixation’. Now now, don’t get me wrong about, I am incredibly proud to be, who I am but what I am ashamed of is my BLATANT HYPOCRISY, On one side, I am crying myself horse about a secular county and yet I an unable to look outside one extremely rigid barrier of caste!

Would I be ok with my cousin ( who is settled in Austria) marrying a French or a German girl? I would yes, but would I treat her just the way I would treat someone of my own ilk? I really want to say yes, but we both know that the answer is NO! This is after assuming that my cousin, would even consider marrying a non-traditonal girl non .. well .. forget it , 15-20 years in the US, Uk or anywhere in the world and then, all these boys then come back to good-old Madras to select their wives! Why?


Where is this leading us? Honestly? In a country, where people like me are the future and If …well……. Eeeer…….the broadminded ones ( like us) cannot supercede barriers like this, then where does it leave the rest of us? How can we critize television of creating stereotypes? How can we accuse other people of creating stereotypes? It is us, the self-proclaimed broadminded ones who are most narrow-minded of them all !


A footnote:

Culture/Background:
Tamil Brahmins ("priestly class"), State of Tamil Nadu, South of India
Caste's Popular Rhetoric:
Absolute Vegetarians - not vegans (they take dairy products), Virtuous, Brilliant, Pure, Efficient & Hard Working, Safeguards & Propagators of the "divine" Vedas
Caste's "Original" Requirements:
Own no (or minimal required) property - depend on "grants" from the king/govt., perform prayers in Temples daily for living, supplicate their daily diet, be learned about Vedas (males), classical Singing (females) - Astrology, Palmistry, etc are optional

No Wedding ! No Thanks !!

The event of turning 21 is an event of great significance in any traditional Tamil Brahmin girl’s life! No ofcourse, it has nothing to do with being able to drink legally or generally being to “get a life’ ( of your own) . At 21 people presume you are well .. ummm.. ready for marriage .. well whether you are ready or not is ofcourse a totally different issue ..

The wedding topic is as often repeated as the “Vishnu Sarasanamam” – only it is heard not only during the morning but also afternoon , evening and night and in different voices and trust me none of those voices ( Noisy uncles , curious aunts and more relatives ) are as sweet as M.S Subbalakshmi’s !The triggers to the topic are also many : For one you switch one any Tamil channel and God forbid there is a movie with a “poonu paakara” scene happen – they usually sigh ! ( loudly ) and talk about how soon it will be your turn!( yes like I am demented enough to wear a pure silk sari and a 100 Kgs of jewelry in the sweltering heat here in Chennai ! ), ofcourse there are many other triggers also , for example ‘jewelry ads “ , “bank –loan advertisements “ and well actually just about anything .

The search then starts – You see the tam Bram network is so well connected that it would put google to shame in terms of speed to search for the ‘perfect boy ‘ , the keywords are ofcourse : Engineer , US , Green card , Havard and then shift to the less superficial like “tall , fair ,good family” .Other seemingly inconsequential keywords which never make it to the list are “ interests , hobbies , attitude towards life, women etc etc “ all these questions are always answered with “ you can change him after marriage” – sure .. like he is some sort of project we embark on with the sole aim of changing everything possible !

Well, once the seeing and verifying process is over the “MDN – Maami Detective Network” works overt-time on the next stage of the process – shortlisting , all the data is compiled and sorted and verified and a 15 by 15 matrix is drawn with the options ploted in terms of looks, income , family and future prospects and with a precision which would put the CBI , FBI and Scotland Yard to shame the elusive “TOP 5 “ is chosen !

Ofcourse , while this entire process is happening the poor innocent bride to be is blissfully unaware of what is transpiring underneath . As any other unsuspecting 21 year old she goes about her daily work and slowly catches bits of conversation here and there about “such and such guy” – who is doing soooo well and soooo smart and sooo good-looking “ , ofcourse the poor, innocent unsuspecting girl is completely unaware that the statements are actually “booty traps” well laid out and planned months in advance and is intrigued by what she hears …

The usual drama follows .. and soon the one of the five makes it to the final cut and the couple flies off to some exotic destination for their happily every after …while the relatives watch on beaming with unconcealed pride .. well whoever said “MARRIGES ARE MADE IN HEAVEN “ !

PhilTer KaaPI and ThaChi MaMMu

Q What would you call a person who drinks piping hot filter coffee at 12.p.m. when it is 45 degrees centigrade outside ?

Ans: A Tamil Brahmin !

Q) What would you call a person who finishes every meal ( be it Chinese , continental, Mexican, Italian) with curd rice ?

Ans : Well Tamil Brahmin ( again )

Lol , before the entire Mylapore and Mandhavlai comes behind me with broomsticks , I better confess that well I am one of them too and dam proud one at that , Yes yes yes … I do love curd rice and yeas like a countless number of you guys that was my nickname during both school and college and yeah for some weird reason it makes a fantastic ending to every meal which even “Tiramisu” or “Chocolate Truffle” can’t compete with !

Well , as the battle of the Iyers and the Iyengars continue and each fight for their supremacy , there are(believe me) two uniting aspect ( and no m not talking about higher education at MIT ! ) this aspect is the one quality which actually defines every Tamil Brahmin worth his salt – the love for Filter Coffee and curd rice !!

Alliances are made , property discussed , Kanjeevarm saris bought , diamond jewellery carefully selected , Pooja’s performed ,all under the powerful auspices of well.. filter coffee ! Filter Cofee has other properties too , the better a young Brahmin girl makes filter coffee – the more prepared she is for marriage ( well , considering how I make coffee , m gonna die a sad, old stooge ), It also happens to be the universal cure for anything ranging from a headache , to joint pains , back ache , fatigue etc etc… Of course this “amrithavarshini ( think that translates into nectar of life ) dosen’t stop with that , It also doubles as the perfect accompaniment for well just about anything , Idlis and coffee , meals and coffee , sandwich and coffee , toast and coffee HOWEVER .. there is one elusive being who refuses to be paired with the prestigious filter coffee and that insolent person is otherwise known as “Thiar Sadham “ fondly known as “Thachi Mammu “ !

Thair Sadham has a millions of patrons who swear by it , Any self-respecting Tamil Brahmin , despite doing his MMBS for 5 long years and then invariably going to Yale Med school or Berkly will still swear that curd rice is the aliment which will amileorate all sicknesses ! Whether it is fever or cough, diarrhea or tummy ache , digestive problems or PMS , never fear when curd rice is here !! The most unique quality of cur rice is that it can be used a) as snack b) a lunch-box ‘item’ c) as brunch /lunch/dinner and d) As all of the above . You get tired from school and your paati offers you curd-rice ! You not hungry and wanna go sleep , ma says – At least eat some curd-rice !! You stay up the whole night studying and when you are ravenous at 3.a.m .. guess what come to your rescue agagin ??Well .. curd-rice !!

Having said all this , no matter which part of the world Tamils have spread to today , and no matter how twisted their tanglisised accents are , for them home still means … thair sadham and filter coffee !!